I have another big life change and a move ahead of me. B is now working full-time at SpaceX, so your girl is moving to Los Angeles. Although I’m excited for another adventure and to live with B again, I’m thoroughly intimidated by starting over all over again. It’s another chance to take my life in a knew direction, but I don’t know what the hell to do. I’m another lost millennial. I work really hard to be optimistic, but sometimes everything catches up with me and I feel, well, like shit. Like today.
Let’s clear this up before things get really, really real. I’m going to spill my emotional guts a little bit. There’s going to be a tornado of ideas and honestly, probably some cursing. I don’t feel these ways all the time, but I do right now and I really want to get the feelings out.
I don’t know what I want.
Every time I think I know what I want to do with my life, something or someone reminds me whatever it is isn’t enough. I’m not one to compare myself to others, but I am surrounded by powerful and creative women who kick ass and have their own businesses. Sometimes it feels impossible that I’d get to where they are someday. Usually, I push through it and fight to do it anyways, but it can be exhausting to live your life that way.
My depression doesn’t make it any easier. When I feel directionless, things can get very dark. I feel useless and purposeless. The pounding waves of self-degradation burst into my mind, conquering all of my rational thinking in seconds flat. Sometimes I come out of it quickly and sometimes I get swallowed whole. Today, I did pull myself out of the deep dark and onto dry land rather quickly, but I’m not always that lucky.
Kudos to all of the men and women in the world who have fought the odds and proven everyone wrong. When I’m feeling low, it seems so impossible to be like them. I don’t know how I’m going to muster the strength to push, but I have to. I’m not a big fan of giving up.
It’s not forever.
I don’t know how else to figure out what I want besides trying a million different things until I find the right thing. I know my time will come and maybe I’ll get it together at some point, but damn, I’d love for that to happen sooner rather than later. I work hard. I try to be a good person. I stay open to new opportunities. Hopefully one will stick or or clear the path for me.
I guess it’s about staying hopeful and reminding myself that anything is possible. I can create a bad ass future for myself and it’s going to take even more hard work and dedication. I know I can pull this off somehow, but sometimes it gets hard. Not everyday is like today.
I’m sure someone out there has to feel the same as I do to some capacity. If you’ve gone through the same mind melting confusion of feeling lost and without purpose, do tell me what helped you move forward. I want to learn how to help myself and I’m looking for all of the advice and examples.
If you slip into the deep dark sometimes too, here are some great resources to help.
The Trevor Project – “If you are a young person in crisis, feeling suicidal, or in need of a safe and judgment-free place to talk, call the TrevorLifeline now.” 866-488-7386
Better Help – Online counseling service